Talk it Out

In a relationship it is super important to track progress, expectations, and work to progress in general and through problems. The whole communication thing has been a difficult journey for me. It always seems that no matter how much I try to communicate my feelings and circumstances, I always leave something out that would have been beneficial to talk about in a relationship. I do know that a relationship is a journey two people take together and it isn’t perfect, but I learned recently some really cool steps to communicating. 

Empathy is a tool that wasn’t always given to me in the way that I recognized or wanted. It made my childhood difficult when I would express myself in a way that others didn’t understand and it led to the rejection of what I said the problem was and how I wanted it fixed. Even though I recognize that the way I communicated was confusing and juvenile, I also want to recognize that I was six. I really think that my parents could have tried a little harder to pick out the problem better. They were not bad parents, but I think that even though our first response at times is to defend, we should recognize that defending is not the best way to deal with criticism. It is so important to recognize what a relationship means to you when criticism comes. If you care a lot about that relationship then you should pay extra good attention to the details within the interactions both parties have with each other. But this is not to say that one should give and submit to all criticism.

Assertiveness is a great place for truths to be spoken and emotions to be validated. I love the idea that I don’t have to agree with everything that someone says about me, the way I act, or the way I think. I also love the idea that I can help others to feel comfortable and safe around me by speaking not just my own, but their truths too. If someone is obviously hurt then I can let them know that I see that by stating it. Then I can state my truth that I truly don’t want them to be hurting and that I want to help. It is a bit of a dance, but I think it is totally worth it. 

Respect can be misunderstood as a concept within healthy, communicating relationships. My dad would often think or say that he wasn’t just going to accept everything I said as truth and obey me. I still resent him a little for that but I know I didn’t want that. Why he thought I did is lost on me. Assertiveness is where feelings, thoughts, and perspectives on actions can be presented by both parties. After truths have been validated and recognition that both parties are still on the same team has been established, the criticism needs to be dissected in a logical sense with caution towards emotions. This way both parties can see the relationship for what it is and where it is actually at. It changes a lot of a relationship when you learn that the other person actually cares about you. 

The whole concept of communicating effectively is so specific and impossible to do perfectly. Information will get crossed, lost, or just plain misinterpreted. The important thing to know is that it is normal for that to happen and that when we recognize someone as a person that loves us and doesn’t want to hurt us unduly, we can trust that the relationship can thrive in the expression of true emotions.